I was robbed

[Garrick]

https://soundcloud.com/garrick-north...ed-first-draft

Just acoustic and vocals. I have no idea if the song is strong or not. The tune was lying around for awhile and I wrote the lyrics today.

[barrymk]

Worth pursuing. A bit of surreal Neil Young to my ears and that can't be bad can it?

[Garrick]

Originally Posted by barrymk

Worth pursuing. A bit of surreal Neil Young to my ears and that can't be bad can it?

Ha ha cheers Barry I'll take that

I think it needs something. I'll give it couple weeks and a what I think then.

Cheers

[bobruzzo]

Yes I hear Neil Young in there.....sounds good just like it is.

[Garrick]

Hey thanks bob.

Cheers

[morgon]

That's your forte seems to me, however you did that is a good method, orchestration is now, as always, the issue. Maybe just one vocal harmony track in places? Sidestick drumtrack? Sparse bass building toward chorus? Anyways, an already enjoyable track.

[Garrick]

Originally Posted by morgon

That's your forte seems to me, however you did that is a good method, orchestration is now, as always, the issue. Maybe just one vocal harmony track in places? Sidestick drumtrack? Sparse bass building toward chorus? Anyways, an already enjoyable track.

Yeah nice ideas, can hear the side sticks.
Ha ha finishing these bastardly songs is another ball park Init

[barrymk]

Originally Posted by Garrick

Ha ha finishing these bastardly songs is another ball park Init

Amen to that.

I hear that wailing harp in there too.....

[Jorgen]

You could duet with a woman... with a tambourine... somebody good.

[hamish]

Well, if the arrangement is finished or not the lyrics seem to be. Deadset Awesome.

[Garrick]

Originally Posted by hamish

Well, if the arrangement is finished or not the lyrics seem to be. Deadset Awesome.

Hey thanks a mill hamish, I've always had a hard time with lyrics so greta to hear the kind words. I got feedback on gearslutz aswell and a guy there said the words work on a line by line basis well but it lacks an overall coherency. in the interests of getting better at de words i'm doing another rewrite, can't harm.

[Garrick]

New lyrics
Question, is "take the good with the bad " too cliche?

Maybe we were crossed
not a fit that the gods would toss
low flying plates
now this is a date
who am I to judge

I love your pretty eyes
they say more to me than you could if you tried
I love you so much
and you're filling my cup
is it safe to drink

chorus
Take the good with the bad
take the sane with the mad
I was hoping for more
and I was robbed with love


Edit: these are the first set of lyrics

You and me go cold
then we switch and it's flowers and gold
say which is what if we're happy or not
it's a mystery

What if we were crossed
not a fit that the gods would toss
not to fold our heads and our hearts
and just live in peace

(chorus)
Oh my god it's the phone
don't go near it at all
It's been ringing for days
and I think the joy was robbed

I want a ref for a month
take some notes and write a report
who said what wind speed and score
with some diagrams

Go with open eyes
not be alarmed what we say when tired
low flying plates now this is a date
we should do it again

[kindafishy]

Love the character of this song, Garrick. Once internalized by an audience, this would be a real singalong number.

Really great swagger to the way you are delivering your lines. If you keep developing this, please consider keeping the essence of your vocal delivery here. Every aspect has a great charm.

In general, lyrics don't tend to stand out for me often on first listen, but these...

"low flying plates
now this is a date"

...struck me instantly. Brilliant, in my opinion.

[msore]

Originally Posted by Garrick

I got feedback on gearslutz aswell and a guy there said the words work on a line by line basis well but it lacks an overall coherency.

Dont listen to that guy.

There are many kinds of coherence, and not only the typical songwriter-workshop kind that shows up as storytelling or love song.

Great songwriters (Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Paul Simon, Cohen, Waits, etc) did all sorts of "coherence". Some of the best songs by those were not tightly tied together in the strict sense, but still carried the listener down a road of metaphor in an unforgetably moody trip.

Bob Dylan could write strictly coherant songs like Girl from the North Country and Blowing in the Wind, but he also wrote emotionally coherant songs that challenged the linear brain, like Mr Tambourine Man and Like a Rolling Stone.

[Garrick]

Originally Posted by msore

Dont listen to that guy.

There are many kinds of coherence, and not only the typical songwriter-workshop kind that shows up as storytelling or love song.

Great songwriters (Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Paul Simon, Cohen, Waits, etc) did all sorts of "coherence". Some of the best songs by those were not tightly tied together in the strict sense, but still carried the listener down a road of metaphor in an unforgetably moody trip.

Bob Dylan could write strictly coherant songs like Girl from the North Country and Blowing in the Wind, but he also wrote emotionally coherant songs that challenged the linear brain, like Mr Tambourine Man and Like a Rolling Stone.

Hey thanks Msore, I don't want to misquote the guy, he took the time to give me feedback. it was a good conversation actually and did answer a few sticky questions in the back of me brain, like does beck get away with murder?, can you be surreal and coherent? His answer echos what your saying about all sorts of coherency that can be achieved by listening to my intuition. I don't think I'll ever be a "tick everybox" correct writer but I'll be a better lyricist if I start trusting my own sense of knowing. 20 years of trying to write lyrics without trusting that has resulted in a fair share of clunkers

[Garrick]

Originally Posted by kindafishy

Love the character of this song, Garrick. Once internalized by an audience, this would be a real singalong number.

Really great swagger to the way you are delivering your lines. If you keep developing this, please consider keeping the essence of your vocal delivery here. Every aspect has a great charm.

In general, lyrics don't tend to stand out for me often on first listen, but these...

"low flying plates
now this is a date"

...struck me instantly. Brilliant, in my opinion.

Thank you thank you KF
I was having a go at working on one msores songs which had the lyric"that was the date" about a man living by himself. I just switched the scenario around.

Glad you like that line. hell i'm glad I like the line

[sammydix]

i heard this after being really upset with my sister-in-law for telling me to "butt out" when I asked my nephew why he was sitting on the steps crying.
After listening, the rage faded away...
nice mood changer.

[Garrick]

Glad to hear Sammy, thanks man, good it was that song. The rest of mine are pretty melancholic

While reading your post I just realized what the tune reminds me of.

Seasame Street!!

[msore]

Originally Posted by Garrick

I don't think I'll ever be a "tick everybox" correct writer but I'll be a better lyricist if I start trusting my own sense of knowing. 20 years of trying to write lyrics without trusting that has resulted in a fair share of clunkers

Advice for writers:
TRUST what you write.

To paraphrase Ronald Reagan (when he was talking about nuke regulation)
"Trust it, but edit too."

[mschuster]

i'd repeat the sentiment noted above a few times, nice mood creator. reminded me that beautiful things can come from just an acoustic and a voice. i write/record/mix really busy stuff most the time, so it was nice to take a pause this morning and listen to this!

i could easily see this in an indie film, like 'Juno'.

nice job!

[Garrick]

Originally Posted by mschuster

i'd repeat the sentiment noted above a few times, nice mood creator. reminded me that beautiful things can come from just an acoustic and a voice. i write/record/mix really busy stuff most the time, so it was nice to take a pause this morning and listen to this!

i could easily see this in an indie film, like 'Juno'.

nice job!

thank you mschuster, i would love for a song of mine to turn up in small indy film like juno. loved juno, seen it 4 times

[BCF1]

I agree with what others have said already, vocal delivery is great, feeling and mood easily transfered but not because it's typical but because the picture is painted so well. Good Stuff !!!

[Garrick]

thank you bcf1, a really nice compliment, cheers