Old 03-30-2021, 12:05 PM   #1
aikiboy2k
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Default Alternative/Electronic Song - Mesmera

https://soundcloud.com/spiralingtodystopia/mesmera

Let me know what you think!
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Old 03-30-2021, 03:06 PM   #2
eq1
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I like the bass sound, nice and clean/clear. Your acoustic guitar might need a little more 'sparkle', sounds a little dull, probably a little too quiet, too. Overall mix seems a little too mid-rangey to me, might just be particular instruments, not the entire mix.

Let me say this last thing with as much delicacy as I can possibly muster - from someone who's been there, was stuck there, unknowingly, for a long while, and who has your best interests at heart: repetitive 4-8 bar loops may sound interesting to you, it's far less interesting to the average listener. It's a little like what they say about telling someone your dreams - no one's interested. You may understand it, or it has some bits of meaning to you, but to others there's not much relevance. They don't care.

It's possible your 'work flow' is partially dictating your songwriting. For example, I used to use an outboard sequencer that was designed more or less to easily create loops and add 'stuff' on top, with other loops. So that's what I did. It's 'easy', but it doesn't lead to particularly interesting music. Maybe in some genres/styles, if done properly, but not in general... You might consider asking yourself if this kind of thing might be happening to you, too.

This is fresh in my mind because I've sort of off and on been working with some of my earliest work. And it's all rife with the 'loop' thing. It's pretty agonizing listening to the same 4 or 8 bars over and over. You can do it - write music with repetitive loops - but the repetitiveness has to become subordinate to some other redeeming musical material, where the repetition basically gets hidden, goes unnoticed, the loops become background to the foreground, etc, etc...

[bit later...]
Here's an idea. Your progression is something like dm,am,G(or gm),G(or gm). Maybe add another part/section that goes to F and then A and back to dm, just to mix it up a bit, give the song a little more movement/direction? So, it's like the 'verse' is dm,am,G/gm, and the 'chorus' or maybe a bridge or interlude, might move to F after the last G, and then to A major before going back to dm... Or, change that A major to C maj, or do them both. Really easy addition, but it will open-up your song, make it feel a bit more complete, maybe? Just an idea.

Here's another alternative, more like a true 'chorus' or bridge. The other couple chords were more like a brief change-up.

You've got dm,am,G,G, dm,am,G,G. Add a second part that's roughly parallel to those 8 bars, that completes it: B flat,F,C,G, B flat,F,A,A and then back to dm. Try strumming those chords, see what you think. Something along these lines would probably work, it doesn't need to be exactly this...

Or here's another alternative that keeps it sounding 'modal' (avoid the A maj, that 'V' to 'i' 'tonal cadence':
B flat,C,G,dm,B flat,F,G,G and then back to dm...

Last edited by eq1; 03-30-2021 at 03:52 PM.
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Old 03-30-2021, 04:04 PM   #3
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Thanks for the feedback. This is why I post things here because things that sound fine to me, may not to other people.
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Old 03-30-2021, 04:52 PM   #4
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^fyi, I perused some of your other stuff. You've got a lot, and a lot more experience than I assumed based on listening to just the "Mesmera" song. The "Mesmera" song sounds very 'green' in comparison... My suggestions - I was probably reading more into the situation than the reality calls for. Not that I don't 'stand by' my suggestions, just that you probably don't need that kind of advice!

I'm just an old dude looking for meaning in life, trying to 'help' people... Don't mind me.
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Old 03-31-2021, 04:57 AM   #5
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No, it's totally fine. I'm fairly green on the electronic music thing (I'm a metalhead) and if I didn't want feedback, good or bad, I wouldn't post my music on here. No worries
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Old 04-09-2021, 11:03 PM   #6
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Like the tune, it's a good idea to be developed into something is sort of how I see it. Love eq1's advice, we can all learn from that.
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Old 04-19-2021, 09:22 AM   #7
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Thanks for listening! I have a 4 day weekend coming up where the wife is traveling so might mess around with your suggestions and see what I come up with.
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